Sobertober: A diet motivated by fear and $1000

Two Januarys ago, my friend Craig Beere (plug: proprietor of the excellent Beer Timber Works in North Van) and I realized that we were both too fat and too liverish to face ourselves in the mirror.

After some whining, denial and finger pointing we came up with an extremely effective plan. We agreed on a cleanse/diet that I had obtained from a local naturopath. I’ll list that below in more detail but in short, it called for no sugars, no gluten and (insert comedic sad trumpet here) no alcoholic beverages.

Most diets fail they say. As men lacking in any discernible willpower, we needed an incentive. This is what we came up with. Each of us wrote the other a cheque for $1000. If either one of us broke the diet in the month of January, the other guy cashed his cheque.

We weighed in on December 31 cried a little and got started. By February 1 Craig and I had lost 20 and 15 pounds respectively, had enjoyed a combined total of 10 hangover-free Sunday mornings and came to realize that drunk people are not glib and witty, they’re drunk. What’s more my blood pressure went from around 135 over 95 to 110 over 70. The diet works like a damn.

On a more serious note, with a father who died of heart disease at 53 and my Mom lost to pancreatic cancer at 55 I have some pretty strong reasons to take better care. Their ages loom before me and I plan on surpassing them by at least a few decades. I follow a pretty healthy lifestyle. It’s just good to go fundamentalist sometimes.

So here I sit writing this with my gut creeping over my belt and a manly chest beginning to turn to a matronly shadow over the keyboard. I can feel the vague pulsing of my last hangover from Sunday night – oh the shame. It is time to declare a month away from that which maketh me fat and the booze that makes me ummm what was that word again? Stupid.

Sadly, Craig and I both tried this again last January but agreed to a cease-diet after three extremely depressing first days of January.

Here’s where you come in. Craig can’t make it this year – he’s doing business in Hawaii this month so who can blame the guy.

Now I look to you – if anyone is reading this, to supply me with incentive. I need suggestions as to what to do with $1000 worth of incentive. But I already have a suggestion – I should donate it to a cause I hate.

Hmmm. The Tea Party? Sarah Palin’s Election Fund?

Help me out here.

The Sobertober Diet:

1. 4000mg Vitamin C daily

2. 4 litres of water a day

3. Eat six times a day

4. No alcoholic beverages

5. But don”t eat:

* Anything with Gluten

* Anything with any kid of sugar incl: dried fruit and all the obvious ones plus aspartame

* White rice

* Tropical fruit

* Peanuts (weird huh?)

If I don’t stick to points 4 and 5 my thousand bucks goes to something. Probably something I hate.

I am also accepting side bets.

Flabby Hug,


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