When you throw up your mouth often gets kind of watery in a bad way. That’s what I mean in this headline.

There’s a guy trying to get a job at Spring right now. He started by sending me a big fat brown paper envelope with “must open” or some other “call to action” scrawled on the cover. Inside the package lay a ream of hard sell direct response copy samples along with a piece that appeared to be lifted out of a “For Dummies” book on how to create better – no wait – more sell-y-er copy. It was broken into steps so your dim-witted writer here could digest it in chewable hunks.

This guy sends me an email every few days – the latest entitled “The Copywriting Offer So Sweet It Tickles Your Tongue.” Several, “Free Guaranteed Offers” have also appeared in his emails. Sigh.

He’s told me a lot about myself that I didn’t know. I didn’t know it because it was a pile of very smelly and totally false assumptions. But here’s what I’ve learned about him:

1) He doesn’t want to show us any of what we’re always looking for – talent. Instead he’s chosen to demonstrate his knowledge of what every hack on the planet has shoved down our collective throats since the prehistoric cave painters got a client.

2) He doesn’t know what we do or who we are – if he did he would see that: a) Who he is showing himself to to be, and b) what he is doing, isn’t c)

what we do. d) Or want. e) Ever.

3) He hasn’t got a clue about our culture or what make us tick.

In short, here’s a guy who wants to sell himself, in this case as a copywriter but has no interest in his buyer. Look, people always want to buy things. But they want what they want, know that and maybe you’re a fit. I’m sure somebody somewhere would find this guy to be a perfect fit. Just not us. The broader point is (sorry, taking awhile to get to it, maybe I should take a tip from old whatshisname and underline it)…here we go…question is, is your product or brand something that your coveted customer isn’t really interested in? Think about it. Like him, you must do research and stop staring at your assumptive navel for answers

By the way, I’m not in the tiniest bit concerned whether this guy will read this. He clearly isn’t interested.

And while we’re on the subject of copywriters, we’re looking for a talented intern that we can hopefully turn into a Springer. Please send your applications to the attention of this writer.


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